Nicole’s Letter To Her Son

TO MY AMAZING SON,

I want to start by telling you how much I love you. You are an incredible little boy. God truly blessed me when he put you in my life. Throughout all of my life, all I wanted to be was a MOM! When I was young, I couldn’t wait to take care of a little one and to share with them all of the love that I had inside me. Though I planned on being the best mother that I could be, I fell short of that title by a long shot.

I’d like to apologize to you, sweetheart because I chose to nurture drugs and alcohol over you, my own child. I should have been there to nurture YOU, but I wasn’t. All the times you’ve needed me to put you to bed at night or kiss your “boo-boos” after falling, or just to give you a hug and tell you that I love you, I wasn’t there. Even when I was there physically, my mental state was in a faraway place where you couldn’t find me. I am truly, and deeply sorry that my addiction distanced me when you needed your mother most. You deserved SO MUCH more than your mother gave you.

When my addiction took over, I struggled off and on for quite a few years. I was constantly in and out of your life during my struggle, never giving you a true sense of peace. Even though I knew I loved you more than anything in this world, I still chose drugs and alcohol over you. The first time I left to get help, you were only 2 years old. It killed me having to leave you, but I knew I had to change to be the mother that I’ve always wanted to be, and the mother that you deserved. During that first time in treatment, I was heartbroken. I longed to be with you so deeply, that I spent the entire time in treatment focusing on getting back to you, and not working on my underlying problems of addiction. Eventually, the shame, guilt, and trauma resurfaced and I would start using drugs again.

After returning to drug treatment centers repeatedly, I figured out that no matter how much love I had for you, I needed to do the work for myself to stop using drugs for good. During my time here at Grace Centers of Hope, I am finally dedicating time for MYSELF to heal, so that I can be the mother you deserve to have in your life. I love you with ALL of my heart, and I promise to be a good parent to you one day. I can’t wait for our positive future together, and all of the wonderful memories we will make!

LOVE, YOUR MOTHER